Our three children are all under four years old, but I'm already worried about whether they can find a good spouse. Since I have, I've realized it may be the best thing in life to marry a good man (and I presume the converse is true for men). There are lots of reasons marriage means a good life, not least of which is more and better sex: A longer life, better health, greater long-term happiness, less loneliness, and more.
I want my kids to have what I know will make them absurdly happy. But I'm worried, because I already know quite a few twenty-somethings who would be a great catch but haven't been able to find anyone to marry, and are rather discouraged.
I know I can't control whether my kids find a husband or wife, but there are some practical things I can do to make it more likely. Matthew Cothran makes a brilliant comparison between how American parents prepare their kids for college versus how we (don't) prepare them for marriage:
It would be foolish of parents who so value a college education to content themselves with telling their little children that they’ll come across the right college someday and feel in their heart that it’s the right one when it happens. They wouldn’t disregard their high school students’ academic indicators, content that the right college won’t be shallow enough to care about such things. They would hardly resign themselves to passively watching their offspring occasionally audit classes that look fun or sign up for a correspondence course from time to time, remaining silent except for the occasional passive-aggressive comment at Thanksgiving dinner that it would be nice to see them settle down with a nice B.A. program. If parents think of college as extremely important, avoiding this uninvolved approach would be a no-brainer. It’s too key to a child’s future to approach the goal so casually.
It is therefore a stark contrast when we compare parents’ dedication to getting their children into a good college with their dedication to getting their children into a good marriage. One cannot help but suspect from the lackadaisical approach of middle class parents to their progeny, that they do not consider marriage very important at all.I don't have an exhaustive list of ideas for positioning our kids for marriage like middle-class parents prep their kids for college, but I have some ideas.
- Set aside a "start your life" fund rather than a college fund. The money could be used for college, a wedding, house down payment, technical training, to start a business, or similar big investments.
- Encourage our kids to marry early, and offer to be a free nanny if they have kids during college. This college-and-a-good-job-before-kids plan is just asking for premarital sex and apathetic young men.
- Model a good marriage: Don't argue in front of the kids, consult with each other on decisions, refrain from speaking negatively about each other, express affection, be open about how we handle finances and why, etc.
- Teach them good marriage skills, like how to care for children, how to communicate and listen, how to balance a budget and stay out of debt, the importance of faith and piety, etc.
- Help them start earning money young, like age 13, and saving some of those earnings for future expenses like a car, college, engagement ring, wedding, and house.
Teach the boys how to ask girls out! Too many good men don't know how. Actually -- help the boys *and* girls navigate the dating scene. It's not as clear as it was for our parents, and I think the "freedom" gained by throwing off the rules really ended up being confusion. How do you get from "friends" to "dating" to knowing when it's time to propose? A lot of the single young adults I know attribute their singleness, at least in part, to their (and their potential spouses') difficulty making these connections. We had a lot of support, but not everyone does.
ReplyDeleteHow could I have forgotten what was one of the great banes of all the girls' existence in college?
DeleteAnother thing would be helping to set expectations for that first date. Nathaniel and I have decided that, if our kids are at home when they start seeing people, we want the first few "dates" to be family events so it's both lower key and we can get to know the young man. Also, prevents canoodling. ;)
I think that it also helps if we speak about marriage in a way that demystifies romantic love. All of this, "You'll meet your one and only soul mate, the one person God planned for you, and the bells will ring and the sunset will explode," stuff can be a bit paralyzing. Because, after all, how is a guy to know if a particular girl is THE ONE? It's better to realize that you should find "a good one," and that you make them "the one" by marrying them!
ReplyDeleteI think that it also helps if we speak about marriage in a way that demystifies romantic love. All of this, "You'll meet your one and only soul mate, the one person God planned for you, and the bells will ring and the sunset will explode," stuff can be a bit paralyzing. Because, after all, how is a guy to know if a particular girl is THE ONE? It's better to realize that you should find "a good one," and that you make them "the one" by marrying them!
ReplyDeleteThat's a good one, and one I had to get over myself. For me, I think the main reason I thought that way is that I was a charismatic Evangelical at the time who believed in personal revelation from God. So where were the angel choirs designating so-and-so as my one true mate?
DeleteI second this. Teaching them good and godly qualities to look for in the opposite sex, then teaching them how to be loving and committed themselves, will go a lot farther than "oh honey, someday Mr Right will show up and you'll just know!"
DeleteI mean, I DID "just know" at SOME point in our relationship. But I knew him for 20+ years before I was ever interested in marrying him. Alas, no fireworks from heaven.
For girls, I think it's great for them to see that their mothers are fulfilled and smart women, yet still want to be wives committed to one husband. My mom's example went a long way for me there: because of her, I never believed the lie that getting married meant losing my "independence" (whatever that is), my brain, or my creativity. I think marriage is being cast more and more as a trap that smart girls avoid.
Your last line is poignant, Rebekah. I felt like that for a long time, while being conflicted at actually also wanting to marry. No wonder more people just shack up. Best of both worlds, right?
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